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When children are very young, it’s easy for families to stay connected. Where Mom or Dad goes, the children must follow. But this begins to change as the grade school years lead to junior high and high school. Youngsters soon become involved in an unprecedented range and number of activities, such as music lessons, team sports, Scouts, dance, gymnastics, baton lessons, karate or ceramics classes, and church, library and park district activities. Oh, and remember old-fashioned unstructured playtime with neighborhood friends? Some parents feel more like taxi drivers than moms and dads.
While it’s certainly important for kids to have a little downtime with their family, their activities and social commitments are important as well, for these play a vital role in psychological development. The challenge for parents lies in finding ways to maintain a strong emotional bond with children in spite of their infrequent availability. It requires both creativity and perseverance, and a willingness to meet your child on his or her terms.
A standing family night is a solution in some homes, especially when children are younger. But as they grow and become busier, mandated family time often just doesn’t work. In order to get everyone home on the same night, parents sometimes must resort to forcing the kids to forego an activity they might prefer, which usually breeds resentment rather than cooperation. Thus, distance, rather than togetherness, is the result.
A modified family night might be a more viable answer for some families. Start by choosing a night when at least one parent and one child can attend. Let that child plan the activity for the evening and select refreshments. Announce the date to the rest of the clan in hopes that others can participate. But proceed with the evening as planned, even if it’s only the two of you. The following week, select a date that will accommodate the other parent and a different child, again inviting everyone who’s available. This is a win-win situation. If the whole family is able to make it, you’ll enjoy each others’ company. If not, you’ve enjoyed valuable one-on-one time with one of your busy children. As time goes on, be sure each parent is paired with each child on a rotating basis.
Try to make the most of the time when you are with your children. For example, how many hours per week do you spend chauffering them to various activities? While driving to school, soccer practice, piano lessons, etc., listen to your son’s or daughter’s conversation with other passengers. You can learn about their friends, opinions, disappointments and aspirations just by listening. Later, you can initiate a conversation about these topics, which are obviously relevant to them.
Make your conversations more productive, no matter how brief they might be, by asking the right questions. Any parent knows that a yes-or-no question will net a single-word answer from many young people. Instead, phrase your questions in a non-threatening way, and word it so as to require an explanation in response. For example, you might ask a math-phobic youngster what her calculus teacher is doing to make her life miserable these days, rather than asking if she has raised her math grade. The former example not only positions you as someone who understands her feelings, but also invites conversation. In the latter case, you have established boundaries, putting your child on the defensive and prohibiting any meaningful discussion.
Seek out opportunities to share a moment with your child. Show up to help him unexpectedly with his chores, for example, and you’ve not only become his hero; you’ve also bought a little time and a great attitude from your child. Try making homemade pizza together; ask her to go along for the ride when you run out for milk; or stop in her room to kiss her goodnight on your way to bed. When you start looking for them, countless opportunities will become available. Take advantage of these moments, for they will keep you connected to your busy kids.
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